Monday, February 27, 2012

Rekindling My Feminine Heart Light

I thought planning a wedding would be easy.

I thought brides got stressed out because they were high maintenance Bridezillas who had to have every detail perfectly in place to suit some kind of girlhood fantasy vision of carriage rides and champagne fountains, and I don't know why but the word 'florets' is coming to mind.

I was so naive.

It turns out not actually being a girl has been detrimental to the wedding process. Most girls, it seems, have a detailed vision of what the wedding will look like. Some have actually created Dreambooks, a kind of collage of clipped out magazine pictures of rings and dresses and such.

Unsurprisingly, I do not. When people, let me rephrase that...when women ask what kind of dress I bought I get a vague bemused look and say, "a white one." This is typically followed by annoyed laughter, silence, then when they realize no more information is forthcoming, a barrage of questions.

"Is it a sheath cut? A mermaid? A-line? T-zone? Princess? Ball Gown? Basque cut? How long is the train? Is it fitted? Are you wearing a slip? Does it poof out at the bottom?"

I stare for a moment then respond.

"I think there's some ruching..."

This inattention to detail is what prompted my mother and sister to sit me down for a little chat about my femininity. It started with the phrase:

"Phil (groom) has run amok with this wedding," my mom said.

My groom, in typical male fashion, likes to throw out absurd ideas like lightsaber fighting down the aisle. I just laugh, but these ever escalating shenanigans stress my mom out to no end.

"You need to assert your feminine heart on this wedding," they told me. "Let your light shine."

Really? My feminine heart light? I just have a few questions...

1). If it's my feminine heart light where does it shine out of?
2). Can I read by it at night?

I did try at least to go to Pinterest and pin wedding things but all that happened was this...

I can't help it. I'm easily distracted when there's stuff I don't want to do, and there are readily available pictures of dogs dressed up like Snooki.

I guess my feminine heart light is just a single flickering candle. A whimper, not a shout. A river in the desert planet of Tattooine.

Dang it. I think that last sentence just extinguished my heart light.