Friday, February 18, 2011

Project Predator: A Proposal to End Obesity in America

I once wrote a paper entitled “Ending the Squirrel Obesity Epidemic”. In this epic three page paper I detailed how squirrels had become obese, aggressive, entitled little creatures that had personally menaced me for a package of Oreos. These squirrels are not unlike today’s youth. Michelle Obama may be going on a crusade to acquaint our school systems with things such as gym class and fresh vegetables, but the reason those loathsome tree rats have grown to the size of fuzzy softballs is not because they lack miniature squirrel treadmills and don’t follow the ever-changing FDA food pyramid. It’s because we humans have driven off all of their natural predators and the only thing stopping them from raiding the trashcan in our mudroom is my broom-wielding mother. And while this does generally frighten the cheeky little devils they soon come sneaking back when she’s not around.

If the federal government started a program to reintroduce predators to the urban landscape we could effectively get rid of squirrels as well as the obesity plaguing America. Imagine if you walked out of a McDonald's, your breath reeking of half-digested animal flesh, oil and salt coating your fingers, and you were suddenly met by a pack of ravenous wolves. Next time you might choose to go next door to Mad Greens. If there was a next time. Doing pull-ups at the gym wouldn’t be such a chore if you regularly had to pull yourself into a tree to avoid coyotes. If a hive of angry wasps was released into an unsuspecting classroom I guarantee that the kid who dogged it on his timed mile would be the first one out the door. It’s simply a problem of motivation. The media has done a commendable job of encouraging exercise through the use of body image shame, but clearly it’s not enough. We need wild jungle cats.

Now before I hear all sorts of protests about how this proposal would favor the brawny over the brainy let me just say that nerds would have a primary function in this society. First, they would be smart enough not to go out vandalising things after dark, not only because they have no friends, but because they’re intelligent enough to realize that vampire bats are nocturnal. And who wouldn’t idolize the person who invented body armor for defense against genetically mutated killer apes? This project would not only provide motivation for the obese but actively cull the stupid from our midst.

Other benefits of the Project Predator Proposal to End Obesity in America:

Fashion Evolution:

Now the fatties wouldn’t always be the first to go. When a rabid grisly came charging at a group the hefty fellow would book right past the girl in six inch stiletto heels. I’ve always been against heels on the principle that one day, when a virus transforms humans into flesh-eating zombies, women in pumps will not be able to get away. I don’t plan to have my brains devoured and neither should any sensible woman. Project Predator will have the auxiliary effect of transforming women's footwear to be stylish and substantive.

Global Competitiveness:

If we want to remain the greatest nation on this planet then we need to be competitive in the global market. I’m sure the Chinese wouldn’t object to such an efficient training device as Project Predator. In fact I’m fairly certain there’s a secret government training facility that regularly releases sharks in the pool to improve Olympic swimming times. We’re already at a disadvantage to South Africa who has produced such citizens as Kerryn Munro. When a crocodile snatched up her baby daddy, she dove in after him and pulled her husband from the literal jaws of death even though she was five months pregnant. I ask you, how can we compete with people like that without introducing fresh water piranhas?

and finally...

World Peace:

It’s a well known fact that the perfect way to unite a group is to provide them with a common enemy. After all who cares if you’re a Crip or a Blood if tomorrow your face could be gnawed off by a raccoon that’s developed a taste for human? Enough said.



  1. This was fabulously entertaining, and reminds me of A Modest Proposal a little bit. Thanks for your diligent work to fix our Nation's [big] troubles.

  2. Just doing my part to make this country better.

  3. Biggest Loser can totally be revamped with a piranha pool!