Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sound Off: Pop Culture Trends I Despise

I'm about to say something wildly unpopular, something that flies in the face of convential wisdom and taste. Possibly I will be hunted down and stabbed to death with a spork, but the truth must be heard. Frozen yogurt is an abomination. It's inferior in every way to ice cream, and doesn't even brook comparison with gelato. Yet, frozen yogurt stands are multiplying at a rate more commonly  seen in apocalyptic flesh-eating viruses, spouting chipper little names and upscale cafeteria decor.

I don't understand the obsession people have with froyo. When I told my boyfriend I was going to write a rant berating the beloved charlatan treat he was more upset than the time I tricked him into going into a lesbian bar because they were playing a roller derby match I wanted to see.
"You can't bash froyo!" he cried. Why not? Because they charge exorbitant prices for a clearly inferior dessert? Tell me this: is there anyone out there who thinks frozen yogurt actually tastes better than ice cream and/or gelato? If you do then you probably also think fanny packs are a solid fashion choice (and not in an ironic way).

Then where's the appeal? Here are the two most common answers:

1). There are fewer calories. Big deal. It's a dessert. It's supposed to have calories and as a direct result: taste good. No fat, no taste. Froyo proves this point. You can't even put it in a cone, just a gaping maw of a cup that encourages over-consumption and racks up your price per ounce.

2). You can put on your own toppings. Toppings! Oh Joy! I can pay to put them on myself. Let's ignore the fact that argument one is now moot because you've piled up a heap of oreo chunks and gummi bears onto your yogurt in an effort to mask that sickly fake sugar taste.

Let's just focus on the most important issue regarding dessert: how it tastes. I'm sorry to tell you, but you are not Wolfgang Puck. You don't spend hours in the lab whipping up new flavor concoctions. If you did, you would have already recognized the fundamental absurdity of froyo and made yourself something palatable. Piling a mixture of incongruous toppings into several varieties of yogurt in a bowl is not going to result in a high-quality dessert experience. It's going to be a hot mess.

Speaking of a hot’s another trend I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around. What’s the appeal of Justin Bieber? Are women actually attracted to the Biebs? Because that’s essentially like having a crush on your little brother’s friend and probably qualifies you as a child predator. Chris Hanson is, as we speak, prowling around Justin Bieber fan club chat rooms reeling in pedofiles like big mouth bass.

Moreover, if a woman over the age of sixteen seriously finds Justin Bieber attractive then they are probably bisexual. Need proof? Check out the website That’s right. You are attracted to a lesbian. No judgements here. I’m just saying-check yourself. 

Okay so his music is catchy, but there are a lot of catching things that are unpleasant. Venereal disease for one. Bieber fever for two. I will admit that I was rocking out to his beard’s, ahem, girlfriend’s song Love You Like a Love Song, before I realized it was by Selena Gomez. That was upsetting.

Disney is excellent at pumping out sentimental drivel with mass appeal. Which reminds me of another popular thing I hate: Nicholas Sparks. If you want to write a bestseller just follow the Nicholas Sparks model:

a). Boy and Girl meet in some kind of dramatic fashion
b.) One of them is an outcast and the other is popular

c). One of them pursues the other, who is initially resistant although secretly attracted
d). Eventually they start seeing each other
e). Someone gets cancer and dies
f). It is sooooooooo sad 

g). The couple overcomes all the odds and conquers all the skeptics with their love
h). One or both of the main characters probably die here although this is optional

...and BOOM! Bestseller. Now that you’re a famous author you can be inspired by great actors like Miley Cyrus and write special parts just for her.

If I ever see a person eating froyo, listening to Justin Bieber, and reading a Nicholas Sparks novel I reserve the right to inflict as much bodily harm as possible before being tased by the po-po. Worth it.


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