Dogs Vs. Cats

Politics. Religion. Both things you don’t want to mention at the dinner table. But a debate exists, one so intense it has been known separate friends and families alike, and unite even the most bitter enemies. Yes blogosphere, I’m talking about dogs vs. cats (insert piercing shriek here). I recently had a rather heated exchange with a group of dog-lovers, when I mentioned that I would prefer to own a cat.  They would have probably looked less shocked had I mentioned wanting to sell my kidney on the black market for a little spending cash. The conversation went something like this:

Doglover 1 : “I LOVE dogs! Who needs a man? hahahahaha”

Doglover 2: “You said it! My dog is there for me! And I don’t have to try impress him... or even put on pants without an elastic waist! He loves me for ME!”

Me: “Really guys? I think I’d rather have a cat.”

(Looks of horror and disdain).

Doglover 1: (skin loses all color, begins to feel shortness of breathe) “Wh-what d-d-did you ju-just s-s-s-s-say????”  (clutches Doglover 2 for support).

Doglover 2: (eyes narrow) “You’re not a ...cat-person are you?”

Me: “Well, yeah, I guess I am. And you know, I don’t appreciate the elitist air I’m getting from you right now.”

Doglover 2: “YOU’RE AN ELITIST FOR SAYING I’M AN ELITIST”

Me: “Okay, that didn’t even make se-”

Doglover 1: “CAT’S ARE THE GUARDIANS OF THE UNDERWORLD!”

Me: “Woah, guys all I said was that-”

Doglover 2: “CAT’S DON’T BOLSTER MY SELF-ESTEEM BY BEING NEEDY AND ATTENTIVE!”

Me: “Okay, clearly this is going nowhere and we should ju-”

Doglover 1: “CAT’S HATE JESUS!!!!!!!!!”

Here is my problem with dog-people: they take my disinterest in dogs personally, as if every dog in the entireworld was an extension of themselves.  Cat people don’t care. You hate cats? That’s cool, cats hate you.  But if I hate a dog, then suddenly I’m considered to be among the lower echelon of human beings. If you don’t like dogs, then your parents must not have held you as an infant because you’re clearly devoid of the human capacity to love. And it’s not that I don’t like the idea of dogs. Man’s best friend certainly has appeal. But when’s the last time you were on a walk with your friend and they stopped for number two and looked up at you with a pained- though unapologetic expression- then hopped merrily to the side while you cleaned it up?  Cat’s make you clean their two, but they don’t pretend to be your friend while you do it.

Also, cats are less likely to be elevated to the status of honorary child or domestic parter. When is the last time you saw a cat wearing a satin vest and poking its head out of a bag? Probably never. That’s because a cat would claw you before you had the opportunity to disgrace it like that. (Obviously some people try to dress up cats- but look at the cat’s face- it’s planning a way to kill them in their sleep).

Or when is the last time that you met a cat owner who knew the lineage of their pet- and actually cared enough to tell you about it.

“This here is Snuffles- she’s a grey Maine coon of the Gallant line of originals, centrally located in upper Westchester. Have you heard of them? Her great-grandmother’s sister’s nephew once won best in show in the summer of ’86. Have you heard of that? Have you? Have you?”

It’s just that dog-people make the mistake of assuming that everyone else views their dog as a member of society, not as an animal - or in other words- not a person. This can create very uncomfortable scenarios, for example, if little Lord Kibbleton is declaring Prima Nocta on my leg and I, god forbid, raise my voice or have an uncontrollable muscle spasm that sends him flying into the next room- suddenly I  am a heartless animal-hater. Never mind the fact that I was being sexually harassed by an oversized furby.

The problem isn’t that one animal is superior to another, it’s just that one type of animal has received a status upgrade, which certain parties have universally forced upon everyone else.   So next time your dog-loving friend tries to make you apologize to Princess Muffincup for hurting her feelings, go ahead and indulge, only make sure you employ your rights of “friendship” on the carpet on the way out. Hopefully she has a big bag. ;)