Saturday, October 9, 2010

Keep Boulder Weird

Yesterday I ordered a matte latte. In my fridge currently? Soy milk and green-algae enzymes. Pantry? Organic trail mix. A week ago I openly judged someone who mixed plastic bags in with their recycling. I find myself starting to hate Whole Foods because it’s becoming the organic equivalent of Wal Mart (the place we all pretend to hate, but secretly shop at because the deals are unbeatable. And if old people didn’t want to work there they wouldn’t look so happy to see you in those little blue vests...). I even agreed with someone who referred to Jamba Juice as “corporate juice pimps”. I have hemp pants. The evidence is startlingly clear. I’ve become a Boulder-ite.
Now Boulder is interesting because the territory of the Barefoot hiking-Subaru driving- Granola eating- “Grow yer own”- Liberal-Hippie-Native is now being infiltrated by four new types of Boulderites:
The Convenient Hippy
How do you identify the convenient hippy? Hmmm, well you’ll be able to tell when they finish a long-winded discourse on how much they think people should all just stop hating each other man. And just give each other anything because we’re all just part of this human race. And we’re running this race man. And then they’ll excuse themselves because their Blackberry just rang and they need to go plug the meter because they’re about to get another ticket and if they do they’re dad is going to take the Range Rover away.
The West Coast Transplant
Clues that they’re from the west coast? They rep modern-vintage 80s gear: Ray bans, neon-lettered tanks, headbands across the forehead. Also, they have a look of misery after the first snow wears off and it just becomes cold. They will be really happy at first. Then when the snow is there the next day, and they have to be outside for 7-8 minutes instead of just looking at it from inside, they will sink into misery and continually tell you what the temperature is in CA right now. The really smart ones will have already bought a line of puffy jackets and Ugg boots. The others will insist that they can wear Rainbow Sandals in any weather. Then when the snow-water touches their feet, they will immediately buy Ugg boots like their smarter friends. They will always bring this story up, to remind you of how hardcore they are.
The East Coast Transplant
Unlike their west-coast counterparts, these coast-dwellers know how to handle harsh weather. In fact, they’ve adapted their personalities to fit the weather. How to identify an East Coaster? Observe them in conversation. Within 30-40 seconds they will have brought up the Celtics and how stupid you are for not liking them, the fact that no one here uses ‘wicked’ to describe anything and how stupid you are for not using it, what a bad rap Jersey gets even though it’s much better than New York and how stupid you are for not knowing that, or how anyone who knows anything, knows Dunkin’ Donuts is better than air or water. Truthfully, anyone who knows anything will look for an opportunity to run away.
The Conservative
This rare person came here by accident because they thought it was CSU.
Now I’m not saying that we’ve completely lost our edge-- it’s not like my grandma joined the 10,000 person Qweed team on Norlin Quad to smoke last 4/20. But still, we’ve all got to do our part to reclaim the weirdness that used to characterize Boulder. Some people are contributing. Like Top-Hat-Guy, who wears a top hat and coat tails to every class (although I hear he’s switches to a bowler every once in awhile). Also, that professor who rolls to his next class on a razor scooter-- briefcase in hand. That girl who wears rollerskates and rides a broomstick is doing her part. Or consider that guy on Pearl St. who fits his body into a little glass box-- Never mind the fact that last time he talked to me it was to ask me if I “smoke the medicine”. Wether its demanding hemp milk in your coffee or handing out those frightening packets with pictures of cage-bred animals, we can all do our part to keep Boulder weird.

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